Thursday, January 22, 2004
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner
without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me. Ha! Too bad. > >
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You, Human Resources
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
frontpage sux... but there are quite a few freebies out there.... I suggest starting with
www.geocities.com ... I think they support frontpage... many others are:
www.fortunecity.com this one is my fav but not sure if they still work
www.owns1.com this one is great cept the ads are horrible
www.brinkster.com this one is really good but their bandwidth sux for free accounts
www.tripod.com
www.angelfire.com
www.tryme.com but yew might get page cannot be displayed
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
some sad reasons why marcus is a pervert
10. being a pervert is easier than actually having a woman
9. can be a pervert just by having a book or glancing around
8. can use it as an excuse to say anything... anytime
7. if you let it be known then most people will leave you alone
6. when your a pervert... people are always willing to reach out and touch (slap) you
5. internet porn becomes an entirely new fantasy
4. cybersex... nuff said
3. having a cheech marin mustache
2. do ya really need to have an excuse to be a pervert?
1. self proclaimed to be a pervert (saying I love sex)
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Most functional word
Well, it's shit........
That's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.
Consider this:
You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
Buy shit, sell shit,
Lose shit, find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit, While others can't tell
the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
Dumb shits, Crazy shits,
And sweet shits.
There is bull shit, Horse shit And chicken shit.
You can throw shit, Sling shit,
Catch shit,
Shoot the shit,
Or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
Or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
Or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, Some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
Things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, Not enough shit,
The right shit, The wrong shit,
Or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
Have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, And other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
It's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,
You don't need to know anything else!
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Friday, January 09, 2004
Only in Cape Breton
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers he window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Bob, it's winter in Cape Breton, and I'm driving the damn SAND TRUCK!
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Thursday, January 08, 2004
I'm sorry the previous deleted message is now reinstated.... I thought it was marcus that added it lololol
Man's Apartment Encased in Aluminum Foil
AP
Thu Jan 8, 2:18 PM ET
OLYMPIA, Wash. - What kind of friends coat your apartment — and nearly everything in it — with tinfoil while you're away? Here's a hint: One of the only objects that escaped the shiny treatment was a book titled "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends."
Chris Kirk found his downtown Olympia apartment encased in aluminum foil when he returned home Monday night from a trip to Los Angeles.
The walls, ceiling, cabinets and everything in between shimmered, after the prank orchestrated by Kirk's longtime friend, Luke Trerice, 26, who was staying in the apartment while Kirk was away.
"He's known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk, 33, told The Olympian. "He warned me that he would be able to touch my stuff, but it didn't sound so bad."
Trerice, who lives in Las Vegas, and a small group of friends draped the apartment with about 4,000 square feet of aluminum foil, which cost about $100.
Not surprisingly, the idea was hatched on New Year's Eve.
"It was just a spur of the moment thing," Trerice said. "I really don't even consider it art. I consider it a psychology project. ... He seems to be upbeat, so I consider this a success. "
No detail was too small or too time-consuming. The toilet paper was unrolled, wrapped in foil, then rolled back up again. The friends covered Kirk's book and compact disc collections but made sure each CD case could open and shut normally. They even used foil on each coin in Kirk's spare change.
And to sweeten the theme, they left silver Hershey's kisses sprinkled throughout the apartment.
"The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time," Trerice said.
Aside from "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends," which doesn't include this particular trick, only a portrait of his girlfriend, the bed and a bath mat were left unfoiled.
"He took special pains not to move anything," Kirk said.
A foil-encased picture hanging outside his apartment was Kirk's first clue that something inside was amiss.
"I heard him open the door and gasp and start laughing," said Beth Kelly, who lives in an apartment down the hall. "I love the quarters. It's almost more funny realizing the things that were left unwrapped."
Andras Jones, who lives on the same floor, became curious about what was transpiring in Kirk's apartment as he noticed "a parade of strange characters" going in and out.
Since Kirk's return the entire building has been buzzing about the transformation, Jones said.
"There's a party atmosphere down by the room," Jones said. "Of course, everyone has their favorite part. I think the kitchen is just amazing."
Kirk's awestruck neighbors and friends kept him up until late Monday night. He hasn't started unpacking his belongings and isn't sure when he will. "
"As I was trying to sleep last night, I realized that, actually, it's creepy," Kirk said.
And as for whether Trerice will ever be allowed to stay again at the apartment unsupervised, Kirk said: "I don't know. We'll see."
But Trerice hopes Kirk will find a way to get him back.
"I'm going to be insulted if he doesn't try," Trerice said. "It's kind of a challenge."
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Friday, January 02, 2004