Hockey Player...
Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the World looking for a new center to hopefully help win Toronto the Stanley Cup. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi center who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the ACC.
Two weeks later Toronto are down 4-0 at home to Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi center the nod to go on and he puts him on in place of Sundin. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the ice he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in the NHL "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I score 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Toronto in the first place!
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You know you're a Maritimer when....
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2."Vacation" means going to Moncton for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit a deer.
5. You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down filled comforter in the summer.
7. Your Grandparents drive 100 km through 13 feet of snow during raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on both your house and garage and go and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as: Meat, Fish and Tim Hortons.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. Your lingerie consists of tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
17. It takes three hours to go to the store for one item, even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everybody in town.
And Finally: You know you live in the Maritimes when...
18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from the Maritimes.
~From the cubicle of Marcus Matzick~
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The Guinness Book Of World Records celebrated its 100 millionth copy with a big bash in London on Tuesday and a new pocket-sized book - The Best Gross World Records.
From scorpion scoffing to eyeball popping, Guinness World Records has compiled a collection of the most stomach-churning achievements.
Read it and weep.
Longest Milk Squirt from the Eye
MIKE Moraal of British Columbia, Canada, squirted milk from his eye a distance of 2.615m on French television on September 7, 2001.
Most Worms Eaten in 30 Seconds
MARK Hogg swallowed 94 worms in 30 seconds on the set of an American TV show in October 2000.
Most Hand Amputations
from the Same Arm
CLINT Hallam of New Zealand has had his right hand amputated three times. He first lost his hand in 1984 after an accident with a circular saw. Surgeons re-attached the limb, but an infection developed and it was removed again in 1988. In September 1998, doctors performed a pioneering hand transplant on Clint at a hospital in Lyons, France. But he later requested it be amputated again, and the operation was carried out at a London hospital on February 2, 2001.
Most Feet and Armpits Sniffed
MADELINE Albrecht was employed in Cincinnati, Ohio, at a lab testing products for Dr Scholl. She worked there for 15 years and had to smell approximately 5,600 feet and an indeterminate number of armpits.
Most Cockroaches Eaten
KEN Edwards of Derbyshire ate 36 cockroaches in one minute on the set of The Big Breakfast, London, on March 5, 2001.
Loudest Burp
PAUL Hunn, from London, registered a burp at 118.1 decibels on the set of Guinness World Records, London, on April 5, 2000.
Farthest Eyeball Popper
ON June 13, 1998, Kim Goodman of Chicago popped her eyeballs to 11mm beyond her eye sockets.
Most Worms Removed
From a Human Stomach
A 58-year-old woman from Shizuoka, Japan, was admitted to Isogaki Gastro-Entero-Surgical clinic in May 1990. She complained of severe gastric pain and nausea brought on by eating raw fish. Doctors discovered 56 white, thread-like worms in her stomach and later removed them during a 90-minute operation. The worms were identified as the larvae of Anisakis simplex and measured up to 17.27mm in length.
Largest Waistline
AMERICAN Walter Hudson's waist measured 302cm at his peak weight of 545kg (85st, 7lbs).
Most Rats Served in a Restaurant
THE Jailu Restaurant in Canton, China, serves approximately 9,300 rats every year to its customers. Self-proclaimed rat king and restaurateur Quang Li-Do has been catching and eating rats for 30 years.
Most Scorpions Eaten
THE most live scorpions eaten in a lifetime by a human is approxi Alvarenga of El Salvador. He catches them with his bare hands and eats between 20 and 30 of them every day.
Most Pierced Person
IN January 1997, Elaine Davidson of Edinburgh had her first body piercing. As of May 2003, the total has risen to a record-breaking 1,500 piercings.
Longest Ear Hair
RADHAKANT Bajpai of India has hair sprouting from the centre of his outer ears that measures 13.2cm at its longest point.
Oldest Undiscovered Twin
IN July 1997, a foetus was discovered in the abdomen of 16-year-old Hisham Ragab of Egypt, who had been complaining of stomach pains. A swollen sac found pressing against his kidneys turned out to be Hisham's 18cm-long identical twin. The foetus, which had been growing inside him, had lived to be 32 or 33 weeks old.
Smelliest Substance
TWO substances called "Who Me?" and "The US Government Standard Bathroom Malodor" are jointly recognised as the world's smelliest substances. The US Government is currently investigating military applications of these substances. It is thought they could be used as giant stink bombs to disperse rioting crowds or separate warring factions.
Longest Courgette
THE world's longest courgette measured 1.34m on October 1, 2002. It was grown by Sher Singh Kanwal in Niagara Falls, New York.
Farthest Nasal Ejection - Spaghetti
KEVIN Cole of New Mexico holds the record for the longest spaghetti strand ejected from a nostril in a single blow. On December 16, 1998, he successfully achieved a distance of 19cm.
Most Big Macs Consumed
DONALD Gorske of the USA holds the record for the most Big Macs consumed. By March 7, 2002, Donald had consumed a total of 18,250 - eating 708 in 2000 alone. He began his quest in 1972 with nine Big Macs a day.
Most Bloodthirsty Parasite
THE indistinguishable eggs of the hookworms Ancylostoma duodenale and Necator americanus are found in the faeces of 1.3 billion people wordwide. In cases of heavy infestation, the lining of the gut is so thickly covered with worms that they look like the pile of a carpet. The bleeding that results from their feeding adds up to a total of 10 million litres of blood worldwide every day.
Most Milkshake Dispensed Through the Nose
IN August 1999, Gary Bashaw of West Virginia mixed milk and chocolate powder in his mouth and dispensed the chocolate milk mixture - measuring 54ml - from his nostril.
Stretchiest Skin
GARRY Turner of Lincolnshire stretched the skin of his stomach to a measured length of 15.8cm on October 29, 1999.
Longest Leg Hair
A HAIR grown just below the knee of the right leg of Brit Julian Rowe reached a length of 10.1cm when measured in West Yorkshire on July 2, 2002.
Largest Appendix Removed
AN appendix removed from Spencer Bayles on November 2, 2002, at Lister Hospital, Stevenage, measured 21cm in length.
Farthest Distance to Spit a Cricket
DANNY Capps of Wisconsin, USA, spat a dead cricket from his mouth a distance of 9.17m on June 26, 1998.
Farthest Marshmallow Nose Blow
THE farthest a marshmallow has been blown out of one nostril and caught in the mouth of a catcher is 4.96m. Scott Jeckel of Illinois, USA, launched a marshmallow into the mouth of Ray Perisin on the set of American Guinness World Records, on August 13, 1999.
Most Body Piercings
with Surgical Needles
BEN Moffat of Canada inserted into his body 700 surgical needles, all 18 gauge (1.2cm long), in seven hours and 19 minutes on January 15, 2003.
Most Clothes Pegs on the Face
BRITISH pub landlord Garry "Stretch" Turner, 39, from Holton le Moor, Lincs, holds the world record for the most clothes pegs attached to his face. He broke the record in September 2002 when he attached 153 ordinary pegs to his face. Garry - who also holds the record for having the stretchiest skin - has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. This rare condition of the connective tissues causes his skin to stretch in the manner of a rubber band. A favourite trick is to stretch his neck skin over his mouth to create the "human turtleneck".
mately 35,000, by field worker Rene
Guinness World Records. The Best Gross World Records is published by Guinness World Records, price £2.99. To order a copy call Mirror Direct on 0870 0730 200.
Most Smarties Eaten with Chopsticks in Three Minutes
THE record for the most Smarties eaten with chopsticks in three minutes is 108. It was set in Gateshead on September 28, 2002, by Kathryn Ratcliffe.
Heaviest Bed of Nails Concrete Block Break
CIRO Gallo of the UK had 37 concrete blocks with a total weight of 519.8lbs (235.8kg) placed on his chest and broken with a 14lb sledgehammer while he lay on a bed of nails at Hemel Hempstead, Herts on August 24, 2002.
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Shot To The Heart
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Some People Eh ?
Lactating Mom Drops Ad Selling Breast Milk
SALT LAKE CITY -- It was an ad for a different sort of milk. If you or your partner were unable to breast-feed your infant, would you serve the baby another woman's breast milk?Yes No
A Salt Lake City woman bought a classified newspaper ad offering to sell her extra breast milk.
The 23-year-old unidentified woman said she was just trying to help. But she's withdrawn her offer after getting too many prank calls.
The nursing mom said one man wanted to know if it came in chocolate. Another said he wanted an endless supply for protein drinks.
The woman wanted $1 an ounce or $350 for 400 ounces.
Now, she's out of the milk business and so is The Salt Lake Tribune. The paper said it will not accept any more ads offering breast milk for sale.
~From the cubicle of Marcus Matzick~
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