Friday, December 19, 2003
Pam is the most fucked tool ever? Is that any way to talk to a lady?
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003
The Most Functional Word
Well, it's shit........
That's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.
Consider this:
You can be shit faced, like a drunk persn
Shit out of luck, like Joe's dad
Or have shit for brains. like marcus
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, if your smart enough
Find a place for your shit, in the basement.. if you dont have one in the barn
Or decide to shit or get off the pot... hopefully your done before you get off
You can smoke shit, like cheech and chong did on their movie
Buy shit, sell shit, though I'd rather sell shit.. why would I want to have shit? it smells
Lose shit, find shit, lets lose it all .. and I"m not finding the pooper scooper
Forget shit, Joe does that all the time
And tell others to eat shit and die. perhaps americans can do this one
Some people know their shit, well from this post marcus knows all about shit
While others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. what's shineola????
There are lucky shits, is this when your in church and yew have a wet fart?
Dumb shits, perhaps this is the wet fart that is in a crowd and someone notices
Crazy shits, this is the person that shits himself jumping out of a plane
And sweet shits. I hope there is no such thing
There is bull shit, actiontec modems are great
Horse shit (but I dont believe that)
And chicken shit. yes they run away and ya dont gotta werry bout smellin that they shit themsevles
You can throw shit, hopefully you use a shovel
Sling shit, in the other direction
Catch shit, I dont recomend this it could go all over yerself
Shoot the shit, umm this means it's in yer mouth
Or duck when shit hits the fan. similar to catch the shit only it's unexpected
You can give a shit... please give it to the toilet
Or serve shit on a shingle. how did you get on the roof?
You can find yourself in deep shit . long as it's not over yer neckk you might still have a chance
Or be happier than a pig in shit. in which case your already covered in it.. y ew disgust me
Some days are colder than shit, well at least it's rock hard
Some days are hotter than shit, eewwwww slimy and runny
And some days are just plain shitty. yeah like the hot ones
Some music sounds like shit, though I've never heard shit talk.. perhaps your reffering to farts yeah thats bad
Things can look like shit, ever seen green slimy stuff? no? marcus can show you a picture I"m sure
And there are times when you feel like shit. I'll not comment to this as shit (I hope) has no feelings
You can have too much shit, not in my opinion
Not enough shit, well I suppose
The right shit, is there such a thing?
The wrong shit, if your lucky ya dont
Or a lot of weird shit. is that like jackass... being inside a portipotty turned upside down?
You can carry shit, though again I wouldn't wanna
Have a mountain of shit, as long as your on top
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. hopefully your in the boat
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, dont you wish that was gold (like the fairy tale)
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. ...
or you could just eat shit and be done with it :P
(edited by siteowner) LeeEeeMuR
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I wish I knew what the hell was going on here.
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Monday, December 15, 2003
The E-Mail Wonderland
A little tension-breaker for the Holiday Season...
(try singing this out loud at work!)
Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland.
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Sunday, December 14, 2003
Hey. I just joined. Not because I want to, but because Joe made me. So to get my on back, here's two cheap pops at Joe, or "LeeEeeMur" as no one ever really calls him.
- He's a cheap drunk, and if anyone ever needs and proof of this just try and feed him a vodka jelly. They stir up some bad memories. Or at least they should do. There's nothing Joe won't tell you after 2 pints and a vodka jelly, but be warned, you only have about a minute between his life story and him throwing up.
- He says "lmao" way too much, but you probably all knew that already.
By the way, my name isn't really Randy Buckmaster, I just don't give out personal information to randon people. Would be cool if it was though, wouldn't it?
So, err, yeah. See ya.
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Thursday, December 11, 2003
Gas Passing Etiquette for the Workplace:
As with all workplaces, from time to time you will notice the distinct smell of fresh farts in the air, for far too long you've been the victim here folks, now its your turn to strike back, just follow this quick easy guide to harass with gas:
Directions:
-Discretion is the key to victory. That's right folks, three simple words: silent but deadly. Be discreet when dropping a bomb in the workplace, try to avoid the natural sounds of flatulence as this defeats the purpose.
-Whenever possible, try to pass gas in as large of a crowd as possible. This not only maximizes the number of victims offended by your ass blast, but it also makes it far easier to avoid blame. An addendum to this rule is to try to make sure a supervisor or some other authority figure/scapegoat nearby who can take the fall.
-If fart seems unnaturally wet, try to find the "facilities" asap. Do not attempt to harass with your gas in this case.
-Some caution must be taken however when farting in the workplace. Many workplaces these days are scent free environments. Natural scents are considered offensive to some. Also note, some natural scents may linger so try to stay in well ventilated areas to avoid advanced methane deposits from building up. They are a hazard to breathing as well a potentially explosive gas if exposed to a spark.
-Knock'em down when they're goin' up. Elevator farts are a great! Especially when the elevator is empty, in this case, ignore the first rule, let'er rip. Noise is not an issue. Leave a landmine for the next hapless victim to board the cable-car-cube of death.
These simple steps will help you achieve the desired workplace atmosphere in no time at all.
~From the desk of Marcus Matzick~
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003
It's not what isn't, it's what you wish was that makes unhappiness. The hole, the vacuum...I think I think too much. That's why I drink.
Janis Joplin (1943 - 1970)
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Friday, December 05, 2003
"It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead you are made for life. You have to die before they think you are worth anything."
Jimi Hendrix (1942 - 1970)
how true jimi!!!
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From Steves Blog
... earlier today, I lost my job.
I woke up this morning to see 2 feet of freshly fallen snow outside my window. My first thought? "Shit... I have to shovel this crap". My girlfriend is away visiting her parents in Ontario and I told her she would be wise to leave her car at my place in case "we got 3 feet of snow overnight", I believe my exact words were. My original comment was made only in jest, but leave it to me to be a psychic this time. I was due at work at 9AM, but couldn't go in until I got the car shoveled out and moved to another section of the parking lot so the plow could get in and plow all the apartment buildings.
I could have done what most people would have done and just called in for the day, but I decided that I was going to make it in eventually - Johnny Dedicated, I am. Around 1PM, we finally got shoveled out and I took my carcass off to work. I stroll in the front doors with an old agent of mine and am immediately stopped by security. "Are you Steve?", the security guard asked - knowing full well who I was. I kept walking in and was subsequently told that I couldn't go any further because our HR director was waiting to see me. Our HR director is a lady that I have an incredible amount of respect for and like quite a great deal on a personal level, but I wasn't stupid. Being stopped at the main entrance and being told to go see her right away for a "meeting" meant only one thing...
I was getting fired.
I made my way to her office and sat in a chair I had sat in many times before. I immediately looked and asked if I was in trouble, and just the expression on her face said it all. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I would be joining the ranks of the unemployed very soon. In walked the man who would be doing my termination, but we'll get to him later... first a bit of back story.
In October of 2001, I joined the company as a wide-eyed, optimistic lad with nothing but hopes of good things for the future. I was a tech support agent with the company servicing an internet service provider until December of 2001, when I got promoted to the position that I held until 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon. In my 2 years in my position as a supervisor, I had seen many things within the company - tales that would amaze and astonish - but always showed up every day to my job and did the best job I could. In the beginning, I loved my job. I couldn't wait to get there every night and learn something new. A large part of my job entailed me interacting with a team of 25 to 30 people on a daily basis and trying to make their lives in the workplace environment as comfortable as possible. I not only wanted to be a great supervisor for my agents, it almost became an obsession at times. I wanted to be the type of boss that I would like to work for.
In my first year as supervisor, the agents were polled and asked to rank the performance of their managers in several key areas. I was elated to find out that I scored near the top in every category. My teams were happy and well adjusted - regardless of the inter-office politics and constant changes, and I tried to make them subscribe to the idea that "your job is not your life... it's simply what you do to enjoy your life outside these doors". Maybe their job was a bad situation sometimes, but I always tried to get them to make the best of it. My motto? "If you have to be here, at least try to have a bit of fun". It worked...
In my two years with the company, I had seen some ridiculous things. It was, at times, a ship without a rudder and a sinking ship, at that. A company that would bring the management staff into an office on a Thursday to tell them that 6 people would be fired on Monday... but to enjoy the weekend. A place whose idea of a team building exercise was duct taping 5 supervisors together, blindfolding them, and making them maneuver down a hallway to pick up a margarine container and a construction paper cone. A company that caused a grown man, after 2 days in an upper management role, to say "you people are fuckin' crazy, I'm outta here!". A company that has 60% of its management staff regularly surfing the job opportunity websites. A company who disciplines its employees for having to leave the workplace on short notice... in an ambulance. This is a company who rewards its supervisors for all their hard work and dedication during trying times by giving them a piece of paper (printed in dazzling color on a printer in the basement, I might add) dubbed the "Thanks a Million Award" - which I promptly threw in the nearest waste receptacle. I wish I had it now... I'm running low on toilet paper. This is a company that I would be very confident in saying that has 85% of the workforce not wanting to be there. A company that has to find new and innovative ways to get their people to just come to work, and when they fail at doing that, they just bring back the old people they fired already.
This was my job. There were mornings I would lie in bed and think of ways that I could incapacitate myself just so that I could avoid going there. Slip in the shower? Scald myself with the kettle? Poke my eyes out with a Pop-Tart? It was my job to go in and motivate all these great people on my teams that I was responsible for, but it's a very difficult thing to do when you have to dig deep to find reasons to be motivated yourself. I would have to sit and listen to the stories of agents who had all the same concerns and frustrations that I did - but try to convince them that things would get better... never thinking myself that they actually would. The job I was filled with excitement about when I first started now became a source of frustration for me, and I grew to hate it. It paid my bills, though, so I did it - and did it with a smile on my face.
So I sat in the office today and listened to this man who was my boss for the last three months prattle on about why they were firing me. The funny thing is, this was the first time he had ever addressed me personally. I just kept thinking that he probably didn't even know my name without looking at the paper in front of him. Now are you ready for the kicker?
I got fired for writing in this blog.
Last Thursday, the U.S. Thanksgiving Holiday, I spent a fair amount of time working on this new page at work. All my work was done and I had a bare bones crew in that day. I spent a couple of hours moving things here and there on the site, and that was their reason. I mentioned how I hadn't taken an hour lunch break more than 2 dozen times in 2 years... he wouldn't hear of it. I mentioned how I had been doing it since I started it in June of 2002... he wouldn't hear of it. "Misuse of network", I was told. Jesus... if they were going to fire me, they'd better get rid of everyone else in the building because I doubt there's one person there who hasn't gone to a "non-work related" website during their stay.
I stated my case half heartedly to my kangaroo court because I knew that, no matter what I said, I was being shown the door. At the risk of offending some, I was waiting for my crown of thorns and the spear in my side because I'll be damned if I wasn't getting crucified. I was waiting for Pontius Pilate to walk in the door any second.
So I took my termination papers from the man who knew nothing about me and made my way to the door, saying goodbye to the one or two people I saw on my way out on the walk of shame. I took great comfort in the fact that I knew all my valuables were going to be thrown into a cardboard box and mailed to me, if I so desired. Thankfully, a friend picked them up and delivered them to me tonight. Classy operation. On my way out, I thought about a group meeting we had with a very nice gentleman from the corporate offices about a week ago who wanted to hear our concerns regarding the company. Against my better judgment, I told him everything that was on my mind at the time and I was met with a surprising amount of concern. He considered my ideas to be bold and honest, and appreciated my open speaking with him. It kind of made me wonder if I rubbed someone's rhubarb the wrong way.
So that was it... my termination. It was about as eventful as my last bowel movement. No fanfare, no fireworks, just a few grunts and the machine quietly getting rid of something it didn't need anymore. I spent most of my evening answering questions via MSN messenger and explaining to people that "yes, I am indeed, fired". To make matters easier, I changed my nickname to "The Answer - Steve. The question, "What is Who got fired today, Alex?" That tipped a few people off.
Which leaves me with the aftermath.
How do I feel? Somewhat pissed off... mostly relieved.
What am I going to do? Enjoy my Christmas.
Where do I go from here? I'll find another job... and this time it will be one that I enjoy. No longer will I work for someone that I have no faith in. Many of those with my former company could have managerial experience out the ying yang, but they had the people skills of a jar of toenail clippings.
Where am I gonna go? Disneyland... if I win the lottery.
Ya know, it's funny. I can almost pinpoint the turn in my mood to a day not so long ago. A certain individual left the company to take another position elsewhere. I always liked the guy and had the utmost faith in his abilities... when he left, something else left too. I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe I just bought into his constant smile and his ability to make his job look easy, who knows?
So, why did I write this? I just wanted the people I worked with to know my side of the story. There were many rumors floating around the building, including the most interesting one of my being caught "getting it on" with someone in one of the training rooms. Unfortunately, no. I also wanted to have the opportunity to say goodbye to everyone there.
So Shirley, Brenda, Angela, Cory, Barb, Lois, Lynn B and C, Mary, the Amanda B and W, Linda, Jen, Joey, Dave, Darlene, Norma, Allan, Doreen, Jack, Lisa, Steve, Sindy, Melvin, Nancy, Sheldon, and Tommy - and anyone else who has ever been on my team at any point, thanks for making my job enjoyable for me.
To any supervisors I have ever worked alongside - my HR buddy, The Hitman, Kamala, Aunt Bird, Stallion, Smiley, and the countless others I had no nicknames for...thanks for being great co-workers and friends. To Charlie's Angels on the first floor, you guys are the best. To quality - be AWARE. To the guys on the first floor behind the monitors, I'll miss our chats. To the underappreciated mentors, I know how hard your job is - you were always appreciated by me. To Shaft... don't let the man bring you down - you're too good for that place. By the way, sorry about the PEI tourist bureau thing... =)
Of all the things I'll miss, the thing I will miss most is the cafeteria's chicken noodle soup.
Of all the things I won't miss, the one I won't miss the most is the never-ending stream of bullshit that never seemed to end.
To all the folks who made my stay there a pleasurable one, I'll see you all soon.
To those who didn't... one word - karma.
Like Milton from the movie, Office Space, the one thing I have left to show for my 2 years is my shiny red Swingline stapler. How fitting... Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleeping in to do tomorrow.
Take care, all
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Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Here is a little Xmas story
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS THE CAPE BRETON VERSION
Twas the night before Christmas in dis Caper house. and nuttin' was stirrin', not even our mouse.
The rest of da family was all fast asleep wit' visions of two-fours delivered by jeep.
Da pit socks was hung by da chiminey wit care in hopes dat Saint Nicolas soon would be dere.
And in da far corner it was lovely to see the keiths cans and bingo dabbers dat hung from da tree.
Ma home from the fish plant and me out on parole, she was snuggled in bed, I was perched on da bowl.
He climbs outta da fireplace and I take a long look, he's just like they show him in my coloring book.
With vodka-glazed eyes and a stomach like a bubble, a five-day-old beard and dere's soot on his stubble.
His teeth when he smiles look like Grampa's weed saw, and he wore tennis shoes big as grizzly bear's paws.
This old Caper elf gives me nothing to fear as he heads for da kitchen for cookies and beer.
He kills off a six pack then belches and smirks, and reaches into the present sack, ready to work.
Now under da tree he's starting to set he most beautiful presents us Capers can get.
Dere's a new breadmaker and snowblower for mother, a steel chainsaw and some Gumboots for brother.
Some mud flaps, CB, and new-used weedwacker, a helmut and nightshirt dat say "cape breton eagles".
He closes up da sack and he jumps in da coals nd hollering "OUCH", up the chiminey he rose.
He grunted and groaned as he tossed out his bag and cracked such a beer fart (ugh) I'm starting to gag.
I must watch him leave so I rushes outside, I looks up at da roof while in the bushes I hide.
And what does I see when I looks through da twigs? A rusted old car body, pulled by eight pigs!
Santa jumped in and he gave'em all hell, Let's go all yous pigs, don't just sit there and smell!"
On Mushy and Lushy and Lempy and Joe and all a yous others what names I don't know.
Fly over Glace Bay and turn to da right, we make Dominion, Reserve before I get tight.
Then I hear him exclaim with a cynical sneer "Pull in at dat Keiths sign, I run outta beer."
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